Diary 1945-1954

Sri Aurobindo Ashram – India
Diary of Niranjan Guha Roy
1945 – 1954

1945

August 15 45                                                                                                                                                                                     I saw the Divine Mother and received Her Blessings
December 45 (Golconde)
The Master initiated me. The Mother and He were one. I promised to give Him all.
December 45
Expansion to Infinity. Sri Aurobindo
1946
June 46 (Risalpur N.W.P.O.)
The Force flowed in. For the first time I saw the Divine in me – my true being.
1946
The more one thinks about the question of individuality, one is likely to get more confused. One thing most essential is to become conscious of the Divine and make this life beautiful and based on the Divine Ideal. As long as I live, my only effort should be to make this moment more beautiful than the moment I have left behind.
Each defect, each failure, each act of jealousy, ignorance and thoughtlessness serve as an indicator of the work that has still to be done for the perfection of nature – they are milestones on the long route to the knowledge of beauty.
16.08.46
O gracious Mother, You are the mediator between us – the weak human beings and the Supreme Godhead which is absolute and unknowable. But for Your Love and Compassion, it would not have been an easy path for us.
May I love You so intensely that I begin to look upon all difficulties and petty troubles as opportunities given to me to show my sincerity to You. I want to love You so intensely that the flame of love will consume all my desires and egoistic demands, sens of right or wrong and personal likes and dislikes.
May I remember You in all my actions.
When shall that day come when I become totally and in all parts of my being Yours?
Mother give me Love and Light.
17.08.46
I know I have to identify myself completely with You and that will be done because You have decided it. May I become more and more conscious of You within my heart. ;
O Mother, I want to know You and love You and be consumed by the aspiration flame which burns towards heaven in a mounting movement. Only Your infinite love for us can want nothing from us, instead raise us to Godhead. Yours is the Love which does not seek any return. My prayer to You is my humble way of expressing the heartfelt gratitude towards You.
How sweet is Thy name Mira. May I love You in your divinest and purest form. Mother, please open my heart. Only Your Grace can clear up the dirty smoke of the lower vital nature. When shall I love You so much that You become my very breath and the beat of my heart and never miss You even for the infinitesimal portion of time. Eternal Motherhood, Thou only exist and I want to exist truly in You.
18.08.1946
Sweet Mother, give me Thy wisdom to understand things and Thy love to love all in You and You in all. Only Your love can engulf and completely consume all forms of egoistic demands. Mother, may I feel You always in my heart and You become myself and take possession of the adhara. It is only Your grace which can transform the “I” which is me. Give me devotion in my heart – a devotion which will flow out eternally in a torrential gush. Give the strength of mind and will to reject all that is false and distorting, anything that stands between You and me. O Mother lead all of us from blindness to perfection, when we all live in You, move in You and are upheld by You.
19.08.1946
O sweet eternal Mother, I am feeling not too bright today. It has been a dull day. Mother I renew my promise not to slander anybody in the world. Why does not the flame of aspiration and love burn steadily even for a few days? Some days I am so near and some days I am in total darkness. May I have patience and peace to wait for you. The ego comes out at various times. Mother give the strength of Your will to root out ego and banish it forever from Your
sacred Temple. Once it might have been necessary but now only Your grace and love can fully consume it.
Mother why am I so dry in heart? Is it because I have some selfish ends in view or is it too weak to hold Your love in it? Mother it is Thy Kingdom. Come and possess it.
Once more Mother, I shall not speak ill of anybody. It is only You in veiled form in everything, sometimes mocking, sometimes laughing, sometimes shouting because that is Your play. Only then the fulfillment of sadhana will be complete when I shall become totally conscious of You in everything.
Au revoir Douce Mère. Pensez au Divin seul et le Divin sera avec vous.
20.08.1946
Om Sweet Mother, please accept my offer of the flower, plasticity.
Today it has been a quiet day. Only in the morning I allowed anger to take possession of me. Again I renew my promise not to slander anybody.
Mother, please give divine strength in my arms to work from morning to evening without feeling even a little tired. Mother, may I remember You always even though my surface consciousness be deeply engrossed in work.
My aspiration is very vacillating. It is sky high on some days and on other days it is difficult to trace its existence. Mother, I want to know You more closely and realisation would be when I become truly Your child. Mother, may I have a spark of Your will to reject all that stands between You and me. Mother, it is only Your Grace which can open the golden lid, show the true relation between You and me. How long still, how long have I to wait to know You and to be Yours.
Au revoir, Douce Mère. Douce Mère, Je Vous aime, parce que Vous etes toujours avec moi.
21.08.1946
O great Mother, it has been a very quiet and peaceful day but why don’t I have the flaming aspiration which consumes the ego always with me? It is only the flood of Thy love which can sweep away all that is ugly and mean and dirty within me.
O eternal Mother, Thou become my breath, my pulse beat, my flow of blood and my marrow of the bones. Each part shall house Thee and it is Thou who can purify it, to make it fit for Thy abode. Let there be no corner in my being or beings where Your light is not allowed to enter. Let the rays of Thy light be so penetrating that before its candescence all the obstacles melt away. May I cease to exist when I am without You. Mother, wake me up with sharp pain if I slumber and be indifferent to You at any time.
Au revoir Douce Mère. Pour comprendre le Divin, nous devons nous débarrasser de toutes préférences.
1946
Each idea has a truth of its form. The Truth progressively prepares a form to reveal itself more concretely by a constant evolution of its own mould for a better and better expression of its own Truth. The idea of a circular movement or a rotary movement has slowly and slowly found its expression more perfect through a gradual production of better and better wheels more and more smooth, more and more noiseless and more and more expressive of the spontaneous silent movement with an inherent power which is tremendously effective but is not showy or pompous.
Each thing in manifestation is an expression of some truth of the infinite. The Cosmic Mother is trying to find better and better moulds to express the Idea each according to its truth. The movement is a total and frontal movement like a tide. The progression of manifestation is from a state of perfection to another state of perfection as a whole.
1946
The existence becomes a revelation, a blissful enjoyment of a superb Actor who in all seriousness becomes what part He plays in the drama. Now He is the woman, now He is the child, now He is the old man, now He is the murderer, now He is the debauche, now He is the beautiful peacock, now He is the revealed Godhead. Underneath everything in existence is He, eternally present, eternally playing, hiding Himself, revealing, half forgetful, constantly finding Himself, constantly developing a new play, constantly finding a new theme, a new height to be reached, a new truth of new relations to be expressed.
One who sees the play and is constantly aware of the veiled Actor, one who consciously takes part in the play trying to play his role more nobly, with more expression of what is within and constantly tries to replace old play by bringing a newer, richer harmony is the real adventurer in time.
It becomes the conscious Being in manifestation whoi is constantly pursuing His own unmanifest self. Eternally trying to find Himself and eternally trying to exhaust his own possibilities
1947
30.10.1947
The golden firmament wrought with beehive structure visible to the inward eye. Since then it is there permanently and can be seen at will.
24.11.1947
I prayed for the aspiration.
25.26.27.11.1947
I am generally in a peaceful condition. More and more trust in the Divine Mother is required.
Aspire my soul aspire. Watch and see the Divine working.
Do not impose your own condition. Sincerity and more of it.
I became aware of still deeper and higher levels of consciousness in sleep-dream.
29.11 to 02.12.1947
The mad and furious states of outburst of lower nature – anger, hatred, ambition, envy have to be watched and offered to the Divine Mother. They do one no good at all. Self-advertisement and the desire for limelight are definite obstacles. Youth is impatient. More and more trust in the Divine and patience. Worrying does not help us at all. Concentrate more on the Divine.
11.12.1947
I am quite calm for the last few days and in a peaceful condition. Peace and calmness must be the foundation of the experience in Yoga. There is a great tendency to show off my knowledge. Have more and more trust in the Divine. The physical being is still full of inertia. The lower nature in process of purification is throwing up all the hidden sediment of dirt. So one has to be extremely careful and watch them coming up but not to get disturbed or lose one’s balance. One must give up the habit of speaking ill of others. It is a great hindrance.
Concentration, peace and patience.
12.12.1947
Patience – See – Wait – Watch. Let the things take their own shape. There is no hurry. Speak less of yourself. Be extremely careful about what you write to the Mother, especially about the work and other persons.
Do not let the impulses get hold of you and move you.
13.12.1947
Patience. Do not let the circumstances overwhelm you.
Do not lose sight of the ultimate goal – the Divine. Be cheerful and wait for the darkness to pass. However difficult and unpleasing might it be to your ego, still do not do or say anything which is not guided by the highest principle of truth at your command in the deep quiet of your heart. Even if you succeed to withhold yourself once for doing or saying foolishly it is a definite step gained. Slowly and slowly the control of lower nature will become effortless and joyful. The struggle will give place to cheerful disposition and equality.
17.12.1947
Today, I am happy but dull as usual occupied in myself. I am not going to precipitate anything by my saying or doing. Let the things take their own shape. It has been a long experience in the past that nothing happens according to our will but the will that moves the things belongs to the Divine. So as long as you do not know the divine Will, let the things take their own shape and at least be reconciled to the fact that it cannot be otherwise. The sooner we realise that, the quieter and happier we are likely to be. Whether in ordinary life you call it fate or in divine life you call it the divine Will, it is the same as far as an individual is concerned.
1948
02.02.1948
The divine Power is almost constantly working. Only I have to be conscious to feel it working. The Darshan was not very peaceful to me. The collective activities are grand opportunities to know oneself and specially to see one’s own reactions. I feel my sex complex could not be a permanent barrier. When this last knot in mutual relationship of the human beings has been broken, the field of sex unallayed and divine intimate relations with others becomes real facts. Even for a moment, when we can totally forget ourselves in a divine movement we get glimpses of our Divine real nature.
First contact with dark regions.
Mother, I feel I am entering unknown regions. Please, be on my side and be my inner light and strength.
Can You not reform a selfish ego bound soul in an instant? Has that miracle been ever manifested? From top to bottom, in every movement, if I had nothing but Your manifestation, life would be a rapture and fount of infinite ananda. Even one single right movement outweighs millions of wrong movements. When will the time come when You have ceased to play in the inconscient, when everything in existence will be Thyself, everywhere in full radiation of truth? When the play of hide and seek will be in a divine movement the meeting of another manifestation of a yet higher mystic ananda.
We thirst for Thee, Mother Superior, the Supreme, the Lord, the Ultimate Cause, the Being.
Build me a golden bridge over the gulf of Thy heart and mine. I know of no other heaven but that honeyed land of divine love. Let Thy heart fill mine so that I am no longer “I” but Thou manifested through Thy love. I am not here to dig the mysterious depths and climb unknown heights and explore unmapped regions of high altitudes. I know Thy heart as the Supreme Secret, the nucleus, the focal point, the very heart and love of the Supreme Being. The secret of secrets, the joy of joys, the Ananda of ananda, the supreme beatific Love. The all transmuting Love flows out in a divine effulgence. The gold mine, diamond quarry, the mysterious Lotus is there. Thy heart, the purple passion fruit of the eternity – the Love that forever is there. The supreme abode, the eternal child’s playground where the All can find a shelter and yet leave unexhausted that maternal love. The dynamis of the created world is first energised in that Heart and then thrown out, but they cannot find an existence outside that circle of Love. Open our eyes Mother and let all our movements flow from the Great Heart – the mysterious lotus bud.
Thy Love is infinite, make my thirst for Thy Love too infinite. Be it an eternal unquenchable thirst – my heart a Sahara aspiring for the moist – visitations of Thy Love.
30.11.1948
On 28/29 night, contact with the infinite embrace of the Being. The Force flowing in the body. Distant thunder claps. An adoration of the muslim idea of the Unique.
Little desires, little irritations and trivial things are showing themselves up. They are very powerful.
12.12.1948
The trees give out rays.
The men have aura round them.
The lights have rainbows round them.
A point has magic colours round it, ever changing.
The objects – trees, buildings disappear in the light which occupy those places.
Occasional flashes of daylight blue and other colours are a prelude to the things to come.
Ocean swell of light as far as the eye could see.
1949
04.01.1949
I vaguely remember being asked by Sri Aurobindo to read the Gita. I have taken up the task as an experiment. Let me see the result.
14-18.01.1949
Mother assured me of final transformation – Mother says something of us not being open.
Constantly seen at any time with a little concentration with the eyes closed or the eyes open –
Gold or white or the whole of it white jewel
Dense gold and white grains
Dream experience: A demoniac being tried to crush me. Contact with a huge living body in the darkness.
15.04.1949
The last two months I have been going outward more than I should have done. The outer personality was dull and petty. Thousand little desires invaded me, a hundred lures attracted me. Not much harm has been done. I have come in contact with my psychic being, my subliminal being (who has much more knowledge than the other outer self) and a few obscure personalities. Evil Mother thou hast to be watched. From now on more and more concentration and stepping back.
My only prayer to the Divine is that may I become more and more dependent on Him.
I have found two golden rules to guide me which will bring peace to all concerned:
a. Never, never to give personal opinion about anything unless it is asked for, in sincerity or for the sake of the Divine.
b. Never, never to advise anybody on anything unless it is asked for in sincerity.
As far as possible annoy nobody, say nothing, let each one have his own way, do not intervene, do not disturb and most of all, keep quiet. Never find fault with anybody or with anything. Have confidence in the Divine. He will do the right thing at the right moment. Depend more and more on Him for everything.
1951
21.03.1951
Well, the Mother has given me a work which leaves so much time free for me to work. This is only to show me that if one has confidence in the Divine, the right thing comes at the right moment and that too, infinitely better than one can ever expect. The Force is constantly working and sometimes it is so powerful.
My only prayer to the divine is that I become more and more dependent on Him.
I have found two golden rules to guide me which will bring peace to all concerned.
a- Never, never give my personal opinion about anything unless it is asked for in sincerity or for the sake of the Divine
b-never, never, advise anybody on anything unless it is asked for in sinceritry. As far as possioble anoy nobody, say nothing, let each one have his own way, do not intervene, do not disturb and most of all keep quiet. Never find fault with anybody or with anything. Have confidence in the Divine. He will do the right thing at the right momrnt. Depend more and more on Him for everything
6.12.1951 (Night)
The flood gates were open. The Force poured in torrents. There was wide opening in the being. This is the second time shortly that I experience a flooding good and proper.
Every time the Force came, there was always an aftermath of stupid actions, inflated ego and other dirts coming up. This time they are bound to come up. It has taken a few days for the things to come up after the Force has done the job.
I shall try to be extremely careful not to allow this visit of Force to be ineffective.
20.12.1951 (Night)
The Force returned and worked powerfully. But in intensity it was not so strong as I experienced in the last occasion.
17.04.1951
Sri Aurobindo has told truths that are never cancelled by time or space.
Do not attract anybody or be attracted by anybody vitally. This is to keep to oneself. If one can do it then a silent power is built up to meet any challenge or attraction of the vital nature. A peaceful condition is the reward. Anger and other vital movements are there. I must become more and more conscious of God and His eternal peace and silence. I suppose an absolute silence and the eternity are the last truths because persons can only exist upon the ground of the eternal silence. It is simply silent.
Knowledge starts in manifestation. There is no need of any knowledge whatsoever in the eternal silence. The form is also ephemeral. There is no finality about it. Silence is the final thing. By silence I mean when there is no movement whatsoever. The knowledge, knower and the movement of knowing are one, or they do not exist ordinarily. The moment we turn to the manifestation, a supreme Being, an absolutely conscious being becomes an imperative necessity. A force, a knowledge and a love and an order of movement become the vectors of the forces of unfolding in the manifestation. The Silence and an absolute quality of non-existence can lend a meaning to this manifestation. The existence and the dynamism are only possible, can only base themselves upon an infinity of absolute nothingness and Silence (even absolute dumbness). Dumbness is inapt, because it is an inability – consciousness is there but unable to express itself. But the Silence is something more serious or severe. The question of ability does not rise at all. There is no movement or any act of knowledge behind, in front or anywhere. It is not a veil or a brick wall hiding anything behind it. It is simply, eternally silent. When one goes in it, nothing remains, not even a knowledge of the state of silence. One goes into it and comes out of it, the interval is the Eternity
.
The Silence is the gate or doorway to all knowledge. All knowledge is nothing but a movement of the divine force and Shakti or the Divine in movement. All knowledge is but the laws and orders of the different grades of manifestation and their interrelation and final relation with the eternal Silence.
L’Amour – the Supreme Love is the key to unite all and to find union with all. All ignorance is due to the lack of knowledge of unity and due to our mental activity and physical consciousness which sees division everywhere. The love of That will unite us with all and ignorance will perish forever.
15.07.1951
Today I felt in the morning as if after all these five years I have started yoga. I have gone right back to the very first principle of concentrating in the heart and breaking the fundamental resistance to the Mother in the nature. The more I concentrate the more I feel newborn.
To love one is to follow the dictates of the Beloved unquestioningly. There is a glad release in the being after all these years.
There has always been in my being certain confusions about the idea of love. So I am putting down here as much as I can find helpful to understand the Divine Love, its scope and its application so as to give an idea of its clear action.
a. The divine Love must have its foundation on truth – supramental truth to uphold it and guard it against ignorance.
b. When it comes in the divine truth and power, divine love descends first as
something transcendent and universal and out of that transcendence and universality it applies itself to persons according to the divine truth and will, creating a vaster, greater, purer personal love than any the human mind or heart can now imagine. It is when one has felt this descent that one can be really an instrument for the truth and action of the divine love in the world.
c. The Divine Love is not an emotion. Our aim is to go beyond emotion to the height and depth and intensity of the divine love and there feel through the inner psychic heart inexhaustible oneness with the Divine which the spasmodic leapings of the vital emotion cannot reach or experience.
Divine Love is not merely a sublimation of human emotions; it is a different consciousness with a different quality, movement and substance.
d. Love in supramental life: an integral union of the soul and its instruments in a dual life.
e. There are many kinds of love:
Psychic – the pure way
1) Mental
3) Vital – (a) the way of sex
(b) the way of exclusive possession and ignorance
4) Mere physical
Love is not separate from knowledge. Ultimately they fuse into one another and become one movement.
17.07.1951
Last night, almost throughout the night the Force acted through the heart centre occupying the whole being.
The psychic has a quieting influence on all parts on the being. Whatever difficulties of the nature may come out into the open, that will only strengthen my determination to follow the heart and my psychic being. The psychic being may also solve many problems which I find impossible to understand. Once my vital nature is quieted by the psychic influence a new journey will commence. A path where the inner being will be calm and sure and a more positive spiritual structure will be built on a foundation peaceful and profound.
Complete reliance on Mother is the absolute necessity to walk against all the ignorant forces of the nature. They are all up against you. They will be only too glad to crush you. Only Mother and total dependence on Her, in Her transcendent divinity is the only safe refuge. To found Her inwardly and entirely in our nature is the only safeguard in this world of ignorance and strife. When the Mother is there, all existence is a sweet dream and fairyland and when She is not there – there is just existence – bare – intolerable and unsupportable -meaningless – non-total, non-existence because knowledge of Her presence is there, though not in front.
That demoniac personality has become fully conscious and dependent on the Mother at its high moments. Its nature is not yet reformed. It is still animal in its action. To kill the victim with his own delight is a statement of profound truth and experience shows that especially states of delight are mixed with danger unless there is a rock-foundation of truth in the being – and the vision remains unerring.
When the divine ananda comes, one must be extremely on ones guard. When the whole being is elated, all acts in the world appear as acts of ananda -including the satisfaction of animal instincts. The divine light and truth must be there to ward off all attack by the perverse powers of darkness in that ecstatic condition. Unless the truth has permeated the last stratum of the inconscient, the negative powers pervert the ananda when it reaches lower levels of the being which are untransformed. The truth is the guard and the divine guardian of its seekers. The foundation must be utter truth.
25.07.1951
Whenever there is any serious effort at yoga, the difficulties come out in the open. If they did not, we would always remain ignorant of our weaknesses and limitations. When they do rise, it is best to take note of them and see how each is to be tackled. We should take stock of the situation and see for ourselves how much of the work is still left to be done. That is time especially for zealous aspiration and sincere concentration. The power that is at work gets a tremendous impetus if there are willing members to help it.
The Mother appears to me more as a being rather than a man. The mask of humanity wears very thin indeed. The vastness and the presence of the being through the apparent and masked becoming is a concreteness which once felt heightens and transforms our poor human instruments. If and when egoistic personal attachments cease to exist, an impersonal and divine and happy relation with all becomes possible and the stress and strain of a personal attachment gives place to a spontaneous and warm flow of love whenever there is contact between two persons. The relation with all becomes easy, simple without strings attached to it and certainly no longer a heavy burden to carry. The vital must not be trusted under any circumstances unless it has been completely transformed.
The complete physical nearness is so charming and so delightful that one is likely to forget one’s own sadhana. And to be conscious of the Mother inwardly and outwardly at all times and everywhere and under all conditions and in everything is the final consummation of all yoga. To be always conscious of Her and always moved by Her will – well, what more do we want?
27.07.1951
O Mother Supreme, please set ablaze in me an aspiration, an eternal thirst, a longing for You forever increasing and whatever You do to me only adds more fuel to the flame of my aspiration. In the meditation hall there is such a grand and formidable peace only if it comes down in the being.
Whatever You do Mother is for my good and your denials are blessings in disguise – far more positive than Your gifts. O Mother, may we be conscious of it and allow You to work according to Your will unhampered by our mental ideas and vital demands. Especially when Mother refuses any material gifts, if one aspires, spiritual gifts come crowding down and there is always opened a new capacity and a vista of spiritual horizon yet unexplored.
28.07.1951
The Force rising from below is probably the kundalini so much stressed in Trantra. In a dream it was explained that when it rises beyond the skull it is bliss.
4. 08.1951
To day at night the consciousness went down with a slop. The lower vital stuff has come out on the surface, slanders of others and sense of superiority and efforts to prove it: how wonderful I am is uppermost. I think they have come out under the pressure and have to be watched and convicted and rejected. Have faith in the Divine. The Divine Mother will surely deliver you from all ignorance
(Night) The Power worked the whole night. The opening from below is now wide. The cool divine breeze blowing in from below is so refreshing and there is now a little proper ventilation of the system. But I feel a cover above my head regions, a cover above mind – who knows maybe the cover of the golden lid so often spoken of.
10.08.1951
The feeling has been strong of the infinite and the reality. The whole universe is an insignificant atom in the bosom of the reality – our earth and our human episode – a countable two or three million years from the beginning of the developed monkeys – is but a twinkling of an eye in the timelessness. One’s highest achievements and one’s so-called individualities are not even worth as cobwebs and more near to moonshine compared to the reality. But again, on the other hand, the multiple Divine gets a chance to look at its Infinitudes only through the human eyes. Identity in difference is possible only through human multitudes. The self-existence finds a joy in manifesting and enjoying its work in different medium. In you and all about you and in all of you is nothing but that Reality in all its modes – That only is.
10.08.1951
The Force worked continuously. A constant flow from the lowest centre to the highest and from the highest to the lowest. Sex-centre powerfully open -I called Mother and Sri Aurobindo and the usual vital sensations ceased and there was calm working of the Force with no reaction on the physical centre – the Force was felt in the lower extremities as well.
In dream, I heard songs on Sri Aurobindo. An ardent and sincere call for Sri Aurobindo arose and He descended. A tremendous and formidable Force came through the top of the head and went down up to the heart. The Force shook the whole frame and it was too strong and lofty to be retained and I was fully conscious of His descent. After sometime I started wondering whether I should be able to retain Him any longer – just then the Force started withdrawing. I made no effort to stop it and knew also that I could not do so. The Force withdrew and I woke up (ball of Force). As long as the Force was in my body, it gave out sparks with crackling noise. There is still a tremendous gap between the earth nature and the Godhead. A long preparation is still needed – a vast peace and purification must work for a long time before any permanent descent can ever be expected.
This is a prelude to a new chapter. The lower nature is to dense yet to accommodate Divinity.
13.08.1951
One’s own ideas of the world and other people’s is an open index in his own reality and what he is. Often one finds in other people what he himself has – so watch your ideas of other people and you have a good estimate of your own self.
22.11.1951
There is no security unless one has absolute faith in the Divine. Whatever happens should be accepted in a light of gratitude to the Divine. The Divine is not a sadistic being who takes pleasure in inflicting pain on others. All the time He is preparing to manifest Himself more fully through us. Only if we allow Him to grow and to do so.
Desire of companionship is a bondage. Eventually the being loses its freedom and is so tied up that it can hardly pursue its appointed work. The conveniences or comforts to be had by the loss of independence do not compensate for it at all. ! What the being always wants is intimacy with others – to be one with others but it goes about it in a wrong way – the external method – it can become readily so by an enlargement of its consciousness by identifying itself wholly with the
object of knowledge. A real intimacy, a real unity is achieved. Deeper and wider becomes the consciousness, fuller and more concrete becomes the identity and the intimacy.
1952
It is only when the vital becomes very peaceful thatt ideas and thoughts do not affect the physical being
The ego has many guises and muses. The worst is the spiritual ego.
01.04.1952
Today the same Force visited me once more as it had done about two weeks ago.
The Force entered through the head naturally and occupied my whole body -more correctly the hollow vessel that is my body. I could feel the Force even beyond my body.
a. Not to say anything or suggest anything against Sri Aurobindo or the Mother in any part of the being.
b.- Never to discuss anybody – to say anything detrimental to anybody
c.- Never – never to suggest anything to anybody unless sincerely asked for and even then with caution.
d.- Do not interfere – freedom for all.
14.05.1952
The vital plane is so attractive that it becomes the tomb of many aspiring souls.
This is the intermediate zone
The vital must not be trusted under any circumstances – a tranquil mind is a better guide. When it is calm it can show up the falsehood without trying to colour it up.
11.07.1952
The Force returned as soon as I started to concentrate in earnest. Peace and peace must be rock bottom foundation of all future action.
20.11.1952
The Force has been asking constantly but this time I have not yet come across a big descent. This Force is a simple permeating quiet flow from above.
12.1952
The Force entered the body -1 felt unbearable pain. I have felt it once before. This pain is something like the pain in the chest when one has an excess of acidity due to indigestion. The pain or tremendous pressure which sometimes seems to burst the head or exert a tremendous pressure against a certain closed door is different – another type of pain is the sensation of pinpricks all over the body.
14-15.12.1952
For the first time, the heart centre was fully open throughout the night and the Power was at work for the transformation of all the centres. It is still continuing.
Without the grace of Mahalakshmi, the most recondite, the most subtle and camouflaged insincerities and desires cannot be brought to the daylight. Actions seemingly most innocent are sometimes life-satisfactions under a very heavy mask.
O Flame, O Mystic Fire, light up every nook and corner and by Thy rays let the truth be known.
03.12.1952
O Douce Mère, Uma, Mahashakti, may my vision of the Infinite and the Eternal, the Supreme Being remain constant. May my knowledge be complemented by a love as pure because each thing in existence is You in limited form withholding the all-knowledge, all-power, all-bliss in it. In this world of relativity, the manifestation will always be limited when the presence of the vast reality and the truth is overwhelming, the cosmos seems a miracle, wonder, a marvellous body of the infinite Being. Each moment, each thing, each act is a revelation, an apocalypse. The perception of the significance of the act, the supreme Presence in the minutest thing is God-ecstasy and supporting, permeating each act it is You, Douce Mère, the Supreme Being. May my vision of Thee increase and may I love You because I find You everywhere.
I can perceive and sense a Reality, a Vast, a supreme Truth and Existence of which the cosmos is a concrete material form. Each atom contains in itself other dimensions beyond the space-time conception of the modern scientist. Each atom contains the Real Idea, Absolute omnipotence, omniscience and perfect bliss. In the atom and in the second can be seen the potentiality of the Infinite and the Eternal.
O marvellous Reality, O Supreme Being, O Uma, Mira, Mahashakti, the cosmos is Thy mutable form. One who has a vision, what need has he of any grandest human and divine achievement now or in million ages to come? The gifts and splendours of time are mere bagatelles compared to Thy eternal Presence. Who shall ever exhaust the mystery? What time, what space shall unveil Thee entirely? Thy depths are unknown to Thee, what infinity of time, what eternity of space shall exhaust all Thy possibilities?
They marvel at the superconscient, but I marvel at the inconscience out of Himself. He has found a substance which to all appears a contrary term of the Supreme Being. The truth changes into utter falsehood, the knowledge into ignorance, the Bliss into pain and the power into incapacity, all into nothing. but at the heart of the inconscience hides our Master, our Lord. The inconscience, a semblance of negation of Himself, is no other than the Mother Herself, the Sovereign incognito. O Mother, may the vision of the Eternal remain constant and may I become one with the Eternal and the Infinite.
05.12.1952
Now, I have understood the simple way of sadhana:
“I am just one of the rest, as good, as bad as anyone of them, in no way different from them. I must not consider myself in any way superior to anyone of them – I am one of them. They are all myself, my best people, my best friends and my nearest relatives. I am not superior to them in anyway.
The simplest sadhana is to leave all responsibility in the hands of the Mother. To demand nothing, absolutely nothing, not to insist on one’s own idea of yoga, that is to say: “I must do this, I must have this experience.”
With tapasya comes a spiritual pride, a blinding arrogance, a demand for preferential treatment, a blinding knowledge, destroying superiority complex which ultimately kills out the love in the heart. There must be no demand for being singled out as the chosen of the Mother. The ego wants to shine with a glorious robe of spirituality. Be common with the common, do not flash about your riches. To show off is the height of bad taste. Love them and be as one of them. Do not ever try to be any different from anyone of them. Do not try to be above them.
Be simple, be like a child, have absolute trust in the Mother. Concentrate in the heart. When the divine love comes it will show you how to act at every instant. When one is simple, the relation with the world becomes simple, pure and delightful.
Oh Mother, I have had a glimpse of the absolute surrender to Thee without any condition whatsoever. May I recapture this consciousness more and more till it becomes an established fact.
There must not be commercial competitive spirit in the spiritual life. One seeks the Divine for one’s own sake, not as a race to be won at all costs, to come first or shine out as somebody brilliant among a crowd of mediocre aspirants. To remember that each person contains in himself or herself the potentialities of the Eternal ought to bring about a change in one’s haughty outlook on things. By one’s own effort, one goes only so far. But how can you hope even to compete with a person whose responsibility is the Divine’s own responsibility. Leave everything to the Divine. You would be more than rewarded.
This craze, this madness to be someone, to be considered very high, this hunger for fame is the very thing which holds up further spiritual progress. To be considered good by others, to be admired, to be adored by others, to be the one and the unique one is the soul of ego.
To be conscious of the Divine in each one of us is the way out of this misery. No one is small or great. For the sake of the play, the Divine reveals Himself in finitely varying degrees in different people and things. All is His play. Here he terries for centuries, there he breaks through into open Godhead. Here he holds Himself back into a suffering oblivion, there he leaps out like a tongue of flame carrying everything before Him. The fiat of the Supreme demanded by His own drama is the Supreme Law. Nobody ever achieves anything nor does anybody do anything.
We are all gods, the omnipotent personalities, the One in million guises, the Mother in million bodies, That expressed in million fragments. Who is low and who is high? In a moment what seems low becomes high, the rejected is elected, the preferred is deferred and black made white and gold changed into dust. The power withdraws or manifests itself according to the need of the play, the lila. Only this power is the utter truth. What is the role of the ego? What is the consciousness of the marionette? Does it feel that it is “itself the power behind its movements? If so, the ego equates with the marionette.
Remember constantly, “Each one contains in oneself the potentiality of the Eternal and what manifests is conditioned by the will of the Transcendent.” “I have put you where you can give your best and also where you can achieve the highest that is possible to you. It is an opportunity. I know what I am doing.”
a. Whatever the Mother does to a person, it is the quickest method to become conscious of the Divine as far as that person is concerned.
b. When the Mother keeps some people away from Her, it is a preferential treatment, a favour of the Divine, an opportunity given to a soul to grow, to become aware of the Divine within, to acquire a strength to meet the rebuffs of life.
09.12.1952
More and more the feeling of absolute freedom is coming to the forefront of the consciousness. I have no desires, no ambitions and almost nothing to achieve and at times nothing to hold me back or tie me to this earth. I have lost all excessive enthusiasm or gusto. There is only one bond which sometimes kindles the desire to live.
More and more I am becoming nothing nearing that absolute “Rien.” I have no ambition here or hereafter. I am becoming more and more lonely. In my vast loneliness, I am foundering.
I see the Divine working, a harmony and a plan and a play. I see its unravelling with bemused eyes dispassionately. I am constantly aware of That, the eternal mystery deploying its infinite contents in time and space and at the same time That being beyond any formulation. The many in One and the One upholding the many endlessly and immanent. One can combine these expressions and invent millions of others but That remains That. Everything is in it expressed or unexpressed and yet it is beyond everything.
12.1952
My young friend Shankara, Thou pure Buddha and my revered Lao Tse, I bow to You all. You have achieved a supreme Good for the East and you have held out a supreme liberation to the rest of the world. By the mere fact of being born in any Asiatic country, one is a sannyasi at heart. I mean a person who is not attached to the material life and its comforts. In each Asiatic, by Your grace, there is the possibility of his complete detachment from worldly comforts and riches. You have laid the foundation of the vast integral yoga of Sri Aurobindo. You have preached the complete renunciation of desire in any form when the mankind was not so developed.
1 bow to You for the illumination You have given me and given me the opportunity to recognize the vast work that You have done. May I be grateful to You all who prepared through ages, the advent of the Mother.
Not to be mean to people who have been good to us and loved us, will prevent doing many a treacherous action. I find a desireless peace founding itself more and more in me. Also at times I am getting a touch of that Love which does not want anything for itself and which is self existent full of its own delight. May this condition grow. All bits of personal vital desire and satisfaction are really extremely petty and mean compared to the delight of full surrender. Full surrender means giving up or rather ridance of all petty selfish desire which only succeed in keeping a high soaring soul in pain and bondage. When there is no reservation, no desire of any kind and the heart is full of a self-existent love, it is a state of complete liberation.
The animal in a human is extremely difficult to change. Only a supreme gracecan do it and it works through the heart-centre through the psychic.
I can visualise a time is shortly coming when my yoga will be taken up entirely by the Supreme Being, the Mother, the Mahashakti. In the darkest night I feel Her assuring presence, even though for the moment I am impuissant and helpless before the powers of darkness.
O Mother, a supreme change is working and an entirely new Niranjan is being fashioned. May I be entirely sincere to You. May I become more and more simple, just sincere, just truthful, simply be aware of You everywhere, in everything eternally.
My inward condition is my affair – no one shall see or know what I am becoming. I must be extremely on my guard not to show off my knowledge. May I become absolutely devoid of desire in any form. May I become genuinely “Rien.”
The Mother is an embodiment of perfection in the world of relativity. Whatever She does or She says is a frontal aspect of truth. All Her words, if ever even a fragment is conserved by a chronicler, are statements of the Supreme Truth. Each word, each action is an eternity expressed in the infinitesimal. Whatever She does is to prepare us, to lead us to light. There is nothing like “rejected by the Divine,” because there is nothing which is not Divine. I can see in the space-time continuum, in this cosmos of relativity and mutability, each point in time and space has got the Real-Idea in its heart working. Only in time in the field of space, the Real-Idea slowly reveals itself eternally and ever progressing. At each point I see the eternity and the infinity. I see such a concrete and massive unity that nothing is really separate and there is nothing like separate movement. It is utterly one movement, supported by one consciousness and working out one purpose. In this field of unity, that which helps to maintain the separative knowledge or knowledge of a limited self to the exclusion of all others is the Maya, the Yoga Maya of the Divine. This is the splendour of splendours, the supreme miracle Being, One and yet to be entirely, exclusively and eloquently separate and different, to be concentrated on a simple self in a field of myriad selves.
1953
11.01.1953
Somebody put two big sized scorpions on my shoulders. I had no reaction whatsoever. One of them stung me at the tip of my fingers of my right hand. Soon the poison started to go up and spots appeared in the upper arm. A very shooting force continued to pour in where the scorpion had stung and carried the consciousness deeper and deeper till I had no awareness left. When I returned to consciousness, I found a force still entering through the top of my head and the sensation was delicious. “I must accept the conditions that are given to me.” I am told this by somebody.
26.01.1953
On the 25th-26th night, the Force entered through the head. It was like a strain of violin music with light and shade effect, the Force increasing with crescendo and decreasing with diminuendo. The consciousness of the Mother is not there in many personalities in the dream – lower vital.
05.02.1953
In a dream we go for Blessings to the Mother. She gives a letter addressed to X, which was actually meant for me. “I give you today the Bliss…and the Joy in works.”
14.02.1953
May I be absolutely sincere to You Mother.
May I depend on You entirely and leave my responsibilities to You.
May I not be tossed about by any ambition.
21.02.1953
May I become more and more conscious.
May I not want to have any vital relation with anybody.
Please transmute the wrong relations into divine harmonies.
May I not keep any idea of any eventual ulterior motive.
May I be absolutely truthful and turned towards light.
Pour in more and more of Your force so that the falsehood gets immediately caught and rejected.
15.03.1953
May I be absolutely sincere and faithful to You. When one rejects a certain falsehood, a way is made open for another truth to show itself up. May the Force come in such a shattering torrent that all the falsehoods are reduced to smitherings. When the Force builds itself up within, nothing evil, nothing bad, nothing false can long remain in the system.
17.03.1953
.Whatever Mother has done has always been something which was entirely beyond my expectations. So may I progressively leave my worries and responsibilities to Her. May I concentrate on the light and power that are constantly working and let them carry on whatever they want to carry on.
22-23.03.1953 (Night)
A great column of Force rose from the centre at the base of the spine. The latter was itself a burning circle. I could feel the beat of my heart on the top of my head. It continued for a long time.
May I think, act and behave as if I am always in the presence of Mother, the embodiment of truth-consciousness. When a certain falsehood is rejected, it makes possible for another falsehood to be shown up.
This work of transformation is interminable. From now on may I aspire more and more and leave myself entirely in the hands of the power that is working for my change.
04.1953
O Mother, show me all the falsehood in me and not only that but give me power to overcome them and offer them to You for transformation.
05.04.1953
The Mother has given me a unique chance to develop the inner life. Under no circumstances must I be a traitor to Her. Whatever is contrary to Her will, I must resolutely reject. My happiness must depend solely on Her. I must not accept or hanker anything that has not Her supreme sanction and seal. Nothing in me must be a traitor to Her. For all She has done for me at last I can be faithful to Her and not do things behind Her back. I must not search for anything, seek any relation which does not come from Her. I must not be a traitor to Her on any account.
Mother, fortify my decision to be absolutely faithful to You…Thy will be done.
O Mother may I not be a traitor to You. May I not accept anything that does not come from You.
16.04.1953
The Force descended and I saw the Mother. She gave me the impression that it was Her Mahakali aspect. She caught hold of me by the front of the shirt and took me up
25.04.1953 A man entered my body through the lower extremities. My body became rigid.
26.04.1953
The power tapped on my head and entered. There is a frequent current rising from below.
01.05.1953
The power occupied the house.
21.05.1953
May I remain content with whatever is given to me. May I not be attached or may I not stipulate my conditions. More and more power is required. Peace abysmal.
01.06.1953
Today for the first time, I felt the power of self-offering. May I offer all my thoughts, all my emotions, all my weaknesses as well as strong points, all I am and all I do, entirely and constantly to You, O Douce Mère…
I offer You Mother my happiness, my sorrow and my attachments, my desires, my ambitions, my weaknesses, all my actions, everything without reservation to You, O Mother.
03.06.1953
May the offering be more and more complete from day to day. Two things are necessary to reach the supreme state – aspiration and prayer – a very strong will and a great humility.
07.06.1953
I feel I am newly born. May I offer to You, O Mother all I am, my thoughts, actions, emotions entirely always at each moment to You. Peace abysmal and joy of being infinite. May I desire nothing else. May I depend entirely on You.
Love is the supreme key to all knowledge. It unties the most wretched knots in the being. If I hate somebody, if I am jealous of somebody, if I want to possess somebody, it means I do not sufficiently love them, in other words, know them. Everything belongs to You, O Mother and nothing is safe which does not belong to Her. O Mother, show up everything that is false and distorted. May I become conscious of them, then I shall offer them to You.
03.07.1953
There is hardly anything that I want to talk about. There are not many problems left unsolved. An infinite Being which surpasses all our conception is all this universe and all that is beyond it and all that we cannot know and will ever remain unknowable. Each atom encloses in itself an infinity. There is nothing but That in its thousand modes and infinite variations. Nothing happens but which is allowed by That. That is the ultimate truth. The One and the only One without any second, One existence and life, one truth, unity and absolute oneness. How can I describe it? The moment we see the unity, the Being, its infinite multiplicity moving towards oneness, union through a play of self-loss of consciousness (only apparent) – there are no more problems – no more heart burning – no emotional fervour. That exists always, the mystery of its origin how it came about to be, will always remain a mystery. It is there always. Each moment is an opportunity to learn something new. To judge oneself how far one is yet from the goal.
Let the divine grace work in you. Allow it to work. When the Divine grows in you, your imperfections will drop off like discarded clothes when one grows into a man from a child.
05.07.1953 The power worked continuously and deeply from the head to the heart throughout the night.
13.07.1953
Last night the Force worked through the heart centre continuously. Then descended veritable light drops of a powerful rain gently sweeping through the being. The Forces from above and below joined near the knees.
29.07.195
I saw the mighty weapon of Kali being forged – a red hot weapon being hammered into shape.
30.07.1953
My only aspiration from this moment must be the Divine and the Divine alone. I must not have any other desire whatsoever. All other desires bring catastrophic reaction in the being, pushed about now on a crest of joy, now in the abyss of despair. The desire must be rooted out and chased out from every corner of the being however recondite and camouflaged its expression might be. The Divine will guide me to find proper relation with the world.
05.07.1953
Last night the Force worked, tremendously worked in the entire being.
To sit calmly as long as the wrong impulse is there and not to act under its influence is the way out of misery.
07.07.1953
The Force worked throughout the being. I want liberation, inward liberation from everything. I must think of the Divine more and give myself more and more to the Divine.
O Mother may I have the purest aspiration.
12.07.1953
In the afternoon the Force came in like a hissing rocket and swept through the being. May I be inwardly liberated and concentrated in the Divine.
I am feeling a liberty and well-being which is only a prelude to a most complete liberation and to an existence of the purest divine love. Desire even in the most recondite form is the root cause of all suffering. It must be ruthlessly exterminated. When one does not desire anything, one does not suffer the consequences of desire. The unpleasant shocks are infinitely more beneficial from the point of view of sadhana. They are good indicators on the road to
perfection. The peace and knowledge must be unfathomable.
28.08.1953
There are two fundamental causes of suffering:
a. Desire – desire for anything, for any result, it binds you down to misery and suffering from the very inception of it and takes away all your peace, because having desired, one cannot cease to speculate about it.
b. Preferences – as long as one has the least preference, or in other words, attachments, one is not free. Attachment and desire veil the divine will and so the work remains undone or half done.
29.08.1953
I feel an imperative necessity of freedom from desire and attachment. Only then shall I be happy. Attached to nothing, desiring nothing, doing the works in a freedom of the soul and solely for the joy of being. O Mother may it be that, as soon as possible.
02.09.1953
Somebody told me that “intuition” can be fully established when “overmind” begins to come in.
The power came in through the head. I know this one. It is extremely painful and I was in agony. Somebody was squeezing my heart and my inside. I woke up and sat for sometime then went to sleep again. This pain and agony is peculiar as if the body is being forced through irregular iron rings. I do not know what this force is.
05.09.1953
I feel the irresistible need for purity and an aspiration for divine identity.
I must want the Divine alone and nothing else whatsoever.
Last night Mother came into the room – I went near Her and told Her that I wanted to say a prayer. I did pranam to Her in a fully stretched out position and I prayed to Her in French to rid me of the slightest sex desire. The power poured into me from Her big toe which was on my head.
Desire must be rooted out absolutely. Then good desires and bad desires. All desires must be ruthlessly rooted out. Divine and the Divine is the goal and nothing else must stand in the way.
26.09.1953 (translated from French)
I shall call it a capital réalisation. (Kali)
My mother is not black, She is golden, radiant, full of light. She appears black because otherwise us the human beings we will not be able to sustain Her and also She appears black so that the most timid, dirty, beggar, obscur black human being can approach Her. It is You isn’it?
I love Her because She forgives everything, She does not ask anything and above all because She loves me and never turns away from me. She is always with me, sustaining me whatever I do. She does not hate me and She loves me even when I fight against Her. She does not go away from me when I have poison in my heart and that my thoughts are black in my head. She is always there even when I cannot feel her presence. She is my best friend because She listens too all that I have to tell her. She has never refused me anything in my life except the cord to hang me and the mortal fall that would have ruined my spiritual destiny. I see Her everywhere, spread infinitely, the entire universe cradled in her bosom. She is all and there is nothing that is not Herself.
With pride and intense love, She looks at the titans and the gods and at her veiled servitors and her intense love envelop them all in a tight embrace and penetrate everything with a burning love awaking the divinity inside . My Mother is not black. She is golden, radiant, full of light
27.09.1953
On the night of 25.09.53, the Force came down through the top of the head and occupied the entire being. It entered the head as if rapidly sparking with a crackling noise. The Force surged from below and the center below the anus sent up a continuous flow of energy. I do not know how long it worked.
29.09.1953(translated from French)
Mahomet was born in Arabia but his intense aspiration to give himself to the Mother Divine found his aim a long time after his death. His disciples invaded India by millions as many waves of love breaking themselves against the rock of the spirituality of India, as night butterlies attracted and blinded by the fire, throwing themselves against this home of light.
When Mahomet found his place under the spiritual sun, when he was well stablished on the soil of India with his modest offering of eternal consciousness adding to the wealth of light, the english gave us our beloved Jesus. The coming of the English was like the pilgrimage of Jesus himself walking from place to place, awaking the dying India, forcing the spirits to find themselves and as a result there was an awakening and a new emergence of the sleeping consciousness. Then we see Ramakrishna arriving in response to this call of the soul. He showed the synthesis of all religions. He aspired to a greater realisation on earth. May be he was aspiring to see the Mother coming on this earth. The Lord answered his prayer. Sri Aurobindo came and persuaded the Mother Divine to reveal Herself to men. The Mother Divine is in front of you but we human beings are too weak to acknowledge this supreme Goodness. But She understands us and gathers us against Her breast.
18.10.1953
The power came in through the heart center. The embodied on unbodied infinite took me in its embrace. Magnificent golden cloud before the sun rise. I saw a child running about with the inner light shining out from his body.
18-19.10.1953
The Power came in through the heart center. The embodied or unbodied Infinite took me in its embrace. Magnificent golden cloud before the sunrise. I saw a child running about with the inner light shining out from his body.
12.12.1953
After a long time I have come to record a few things. There is a proper churning of the ocean of life. After a lot of poison, a peace unshakable and an unconditional joy promise to come in the being. The power came in a few days ago. I do not generally feel need of anyone for my happiness. May I give myself more and more entirely in the hands of the Divine. May I be constantly reminded of the infinite perfection that stretches out in front. There is a power working in me and if I am sincere soon I shall go to the other side of the ignorance and sorrow once for all. The liberation that I seek for at times beyond cosmos, will come to me on this earth. May I have absolute confidence in You and may I leave eveiything in Your hands. May I hear Your promptings more clearly and accept them unquestioningly as they are sure to lead to divine perfection and happiness beyond all doubts and speculations. May I be absolutely sincere to You, O Mother.
I have seen a blinding light, promise of a greater consciousness.
May all ambition, dissimulation, arrogance, pride, deceit, secret desires, in short all falsehood be shown up by the light and may I leave them to the power to change them.
1954
02.01.1954
The Power came in the afternoon. The embodied infinite took me in its embrace then pierced the skull and entered the interior.
03.01.1954
The dense, voluminous, thick, massive power came down and worked in thewhole being.
I saw myself squeezed through narrow passages orrather being forced through around the regions of the belly.
21.01.1954
O Sweet Mother of the tenderest love divine, Consort of Siva, the omnipotent Sadhika, our ultimate shelter, seer of all past, present and future, Mother of golden light, beloved of the Supreme, we Thy children adore Thee.
O powerful Mother Eternal of creation, preservation and destruction, everunmanifest, ever manifest, Beloved of the Supreme, we Thy children adoreThee.
Eternally engaged in liberating the refugee and the humble. Redeemer of all ignorance and suffering, O Sweet Mother, beloved of the Supreme, we Thy children adore Thee.
22.01.1954
I am going through a crucial period in the sadhana. A powerful working surpassing all that I have had is taking place and it is at work day and night.
Wildest ambitions spiritual are going through my brain like express trains along with visits of peace and power which I have not tasted before.
A love intense is welling up but it is still mixed again with distorted ambition.
24.01.1954
Last night the Power – the thunder and lightning came and took the consciousness deep within. I do not remember how long it worked. There was a new element in it. I saw myself as other than myself even when the experience was taking place. Only when I woke up did I realise that it was myself who had the experience. With all the experiences of the Divine and His constant Presence in me and His Power working in me, I seem to be robbed of all desire to live and to act by the absence of one factor, probably having some deeper meaning of which I am not conscious yet. Without Her, life seems to me useless.
It is not much good trying to overcome a particular difficulty by facing it a number of times like Annie Besant licking up the sputum of others.
But I know this is a prelude to the state of identification if the Divine decree is as such. A choice apparently is presented to me. But I am still not sure about the ultimate truth of it. It is a preparation for something, what that is I do not clearly understand. I feel at times thinking like a madman and acting like one. I put everything to the feet of the Divine Mother. May She give me a clear command. I am quite content as it is. I do not want anything personally. Is it the final battle between the all swallowing ego and the spirit?
May I be sincere to Thee, Mother -I am ignorant and weak and easily excited. Also, I am an inordinate visionary and easily carried away by magnificent dreams. Please take away the last trace of ambition, so that Thy Will can manifest itself in the desinterested and quiet mind and heart. Also, I am like a horse which fights shy of obstacles. There is in me a liberation that is independent of all circumstances and I can never lose it anymore. This part is afraid of all responsibilities and impositions. O Mother, You have brought me this far and I am sure You will not leave me in the impasse for long. May my aspiration be pure and simple. I do not want to a be cheat in any way. I shall try my best to carry out Your clear command as much as is possible by me. I have not got a high opinion of myself. But when the sanction comes from You nothing in the world seems impossible for me. You have been exceptionally kind and loving towards me. May I have that love for You in everything.
Don’t forget your loving Mother, the Mother universal and Her sad and loving sacrifice of Herself, Her complete self-immolation. You have to be Her true son and to bring back the smile on Her face. O Mother, may the universal misery and suffering come and choose my heart as their home. O Mother infinite, come down in me with Thy infinite all comprehending love and compassion. May I not seek any form of personal happiness and comfort forgetting my mission and Your work. May I have simple sincerity and an intense aspiration.
I saw in my single room house the Durga with all Her children, Shiva and the lion. She has definitely come into my house.
26.1.1954
The force poured in for a long time like a cool refreshing stream
27.1.1954
The divine love cannot manifest or carry out its work of purification as long as there is the idea of enjoyment in it, however subtle it might be.
The divine Shakti alone can turn everything in purity and beauty.
29 1 54
The power and the force were working constantly during the night. The cool refreshing breeze pouring in from the heavens above. O Mother may I be absolutely sincere to Thee. The Divine Mother sends through one of her children a rose to me. May I be absolutely sincere to Her. Soon I shall be dynamically identified with You. There is so much suffering all around. I ask as a favour that when I am absolutely identified with You to be given a chance to work for You in the world as long as I live within a field which would give free play to my imaginations of You.
4 2 54
O Niranjan don’t forget why you have come here leaving behind all the people who loved you and still love you. This world of misery and pain can only be changed by a higher light which will change suffering into delight, ignorance into knowledge. Don’t forget your loving Mother, the Mother universal and Her sad and loving sacrifice of Herself, Her complete self-immolation. You have to be Her true son to bring back the smile on Her face. O Mother may the universal misery and suffering come and choose my heart as their home. O Mother infinite, come down in me with Thy infinite all comprehending love and compassion. May I not seek any form of personal happiness and comfort forgetting my mission and Your work. May I have a simple sincerity and an intense aspiration.
– I saw in my simple room the house of Durga with her children, Shiva and the lion. She has definitely come into my house.
09.02.1954 The Force came down last night. I do not remember much. The usual power works constantly throughout the day and specially at night.
29.03.1954
As long as I am attached to any human being, union with the Divine is impossible.
30.03.1954
The lower parts of the being have to be constantly reminded of their own inadequacy and imperfection. The satisfaction on a lower level brings disturbance and pulling down of the consciousness. The habits of the past have to give place to habits of the Spirit. An enduring and calm joy is thousand times superior to an effervescence of a momentary vital joy.
23.04.1954
Last night there was a powerful working in the adhara. The torrential Force returned after a long, long time.
There is a personality who is too much attracted by females. This has to stop completely. Behind it is the usual subconscient vital desire. There is that distorted cavalier in me who consciously or unconsciously wants approbation in their eyes. It has tremendous ambition but not for the Divine work but for its petty satistaction
.
An all absorbing concentration of the mind, vital and physical will only open a vista of spiritual splendour before my eyes.
02.05.1954
Only an aspiration constant unflagging will bring in a greater light and guidance. The Force came in like a powerful rain inundating the whole system from head to foot. The dreams are manifold and varied and there, a progress has been made. The consciousness does not drop to animal level though the vital sheath is still very susceptible to lower nature – suggestion.
04.05.1954
All these human desires and instincts are all right and even good for human beings on their own level, but they have to be left behind by aspirants to supermanhood.
The constant flow of subconscient hypothetical cases which pass through our vital imaginative mind should be given correct orientation. Each case will always be decided by the highest possible light in us. All the human things have to be solved in a superhuman spirit and raised to their divinity. Once this automatic habit of doing and acting from the highest consciousness replaces the ambiguous and perilous process of human reasoning and false justification for the weaknesses of flesh, a tremendous advantage is gained. Human is human and is good for human beings. But they have to be left behind mercilessly.
05.05.1954 (10:30 am)
The Force came in and took me up with a dizzy speed to heights unknown and then flung me down towards a depth with grand rapidity. I was conscious.
There was dense compact light all around me, all the time, of the Mother and
Her force. Someone was holding my feet with both hands with a loving tenderness. I thanked Her with a sincere heart. I could not see anything at anytime.
O Mother, wherever I may find myself may I always think and act according to my highest consciousness. The human has to be left behind mercilessly and the Divine given a chance to assert Himself.
15.05.1954
Sometimes, I get a foretaste of a happiness and peace free from all desires and demands. The power that is working will slowly dissolve the recalcitrant greeds. It is not the Divine that has left me in the lurch but I have cheated the Divine times without number. Slowly my fundamental weakness will go and I shall emerge into a longer and freer atmosphere. May I become absolutely sincere in all my movements whether awake or asleep. Always to live and act according to the highest ideal should not only become the law of the being, but an automatic reflex down to the regions subconscient.
Ambition and lower vital-consciousness are two arch-enemies. There is also subtle hunger for a future abundance and richness of life.
All the desires must be offered to the Divine so that His fire can burn them and destroy them completely.
30.05.1954
Today it seems as if I can leave behind everything and start a new life.
The Mother was exceptionally kind to me. I felt the World-Mother standing before me, my beloved Mahakali. The Mother specially gave me “Energy turned towards the Divine,” as the remedy of all-devouring ambition. The Mother gave me the diary and along with the “Divine Consciousness.”
I must be absolutely on my guard in speech. The inner force must be listened to, otherwise there is every danger of losing all discrimination. Sincerity is the only means of attaining perfection. 14.06.1954
Whatever happens, constantly the divine Force must be called in to purify the being. Constant aspiration for peace and more of peace until all the hostile movements simply sink into it. An unflagging aspiration and listening to the inner voice in the smallest detail, not to seek pleasure because that pushes away divine ananda.
23.06.1954
How to enter into the Silence, the Sachidananda – the body must be fully relaxed, the vital put to sleep and the mind put to sleep and then concentration until one passes from state to state, till one goes beyond all form into the Silence. A constant practice at concentration can only make the passage conscious. There is a region between subtle physical and vital (material vital) which is not very conscious and one has to pass through that which makes a difference in translation between the outer consciousness and the consciousness in the subtle plane. It took the Mother six months of effort to illumine this region. After a long effort it suddenly came to Her and the vegetal kingdom became living to Her. The effort is like the preparation behind, as in an egg. Slowly the chick forms inside and one day it bursts open.
Also, when one enters into Silence and comes back, all the difficulties evaporate immediately.
30.06.1954
I feel as if I am starting Yoga all over again. From that point of view I have got an immense advantage. There are a few obstinate difficulties of nature. One can settle down to a long programme of work necessary for the transformation. A programme for twenty years.
a. Entire purification in all parts of the being.
b. Consciousness of all planes and parts of the Being.
c. To enter the Silence at will.
d. To let the Force work more and more powerfully in the entire system.
e. To make the identification as complete as possible.
f. If it is the Divine Will, to help others spiritually as much as possible.
05.07.1954
The Force like a rain swept through the whole being. 2:15 pm
Uptil now my love for the Divine has been too vital, for example, full of demands of all kinds. That is why I have never been able to love the Mother properly. Let there be a new orientation, a total turning of the whole being towards the Divine without any condition whatsoever. If I can keep burning the intense aspiration in my heart, the miracle of identification will take place much earlier than I expect.
Concentrate on the heart and heart alone. Never to trust any other power. The psychic shall be priest of the sacrifice hence forth and I must try to follow its dictates more rigorously.
09.07.1954
To turn entirely to the Divine without any demands and conditions is the key that will open all the hidden doors of knowledge. All the revolt and depression come from lower vital demands and ambition of the vital being. Even if one is full of black fury of hell, the only thing necessary is to sit down and call in the divine grace to let it disperse the devil’s stuff.
11.07.1954
As long as there is any desire, any revolt, any depression, any unhelpful thought against the Mother, lack of faith in Her, it only indicates that the truth reached is not perfect, a more concentrated endeavour for a more integral truth being necessary. The truth has to be reached at all costs, however, prolonged may be the effort. To fight one’s unredeemed nature with the help of the Divine is an absolute necessity and brings at each moment the thrill of ultimate victory.
12.07.1954
Last night the special Force flooded the whole being, worked for a long time. A most wonderful working has started and I feel all my difficulties will disappear forever.
There are three things which try to spoil the sincerity of the aspiration: an attachment, an ambition, an attraction. But the divine grace will soon burn them out and I shall have a constant aspiration and union without any personal demand and without any stain of ignorance.
A simple constant aspiration for the Mother and the truth during waking as well as sleep should replace all selfish effort and struggle.

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